The Buffer Zone.

I am one of the assholes?

I crossed my legs and sat down with a heavy thud on the maroon rug in the praying area of my house. The song “Rather Be” by Clean Bandit swirled inside my brain as I tried to push all songs, equations and WordPress blogs out of my head and think of some prayer to recite. I ran an uninterested gaze over the innumerable images and idols that lay neatly arranged in the three foot high mini-temple. There is a clay idol of Lord Hanuman – most powerful God in the eternal faithful service of Lord Rama. There are two bronze idols of Lord Krishna – the one who wears a peacock feather, plays a flute, and had roughly 16,000 wives. He used to be my “favorite” god when I was a kid, because he is portrayed as a naughty kid in mythology. There is a huge framed painting of Sai Baba. There are Laxmi and Ganesha – the goddess and god of wealth and good luck. And there are several framed pictures of the almighty Devi, the Goddess who incarnates in nine different forms (avatars) in the Hindu Mythology.

Earlier in the evening my mom had come to my room and had given me a short lecture on how disappointed she was in me. Why? Because it has been 4 days now that one of the major 9-day long Hindu festival called “Navratri” (“Nav” for nine, “Ratri” for night) started and I did not light a single lamp or an incense stick or even bow my head in front of the Goddesses. She asked me why I do not feel the need to follow any religious tradition; why doesn’t it “ever come from within” me; and of course how would I manage this “irreligious and irresponsible” behavior once I get married and have to stay with the in-laws. I hung my head in silence and nodded once or twice and then just in order to make her feel better I said as sweetly as I could, “Alright I’ll go and light a lamp and chant some prayers.” She gave me her sideways look and left the room.

I did light a lamp later, and an incense stick, tried to remember some prayer to “sing” and even tried to “make a wish to God”. But absolutely NO muscle in my heart twitched. I did not feel ANY devotion or reverence towards the beautifully decked up Gods and Goddesses in my temple. And I was not even trying to hate or abhor the entire concept of religion and God. Rather I was trying to steer my mind and heart into “talking” to those doe-eyed goddesses and “asking” them to bless me and my soul. But NONE of that happened. The tiny part of my brain that tried to steer me into making a small talk with God, was overshadowed by the LOUD blaring noise that constantly told me, “There is nothing called God. And you talk to no one. You talk to the air. Because there is no God and no one ‘listens to your prayer’. The only one who listens to your prayers is your own self“.

Every single time I visit a Temple, a Church, a Gurudwara, a Mosque, I battle these thoughts. I don’t want to make a fake conversation with a fake “Person” called “God” and ask him/her to “Listen to my prayers”. Oh heck! I don’t even do a prayer or make a wish. But there are times when I do want to make a desperate wish. And in those times I do want a “Real God” who would register all these wishes and make them come true, but then that same loud blaring noise in my head mocks me and tells me not to be so foolish and weak.

So how does a lesser mortal like me survive the times of utter despair, helplessness and fear? I have created this safe buffer zone, where I am SURE that there is nothing called “God“and “God” will not “Listen” to any butt load of sincere crap, but at the same time I have MADE myself believe that there is an Universal Power. Now, am not even sure if there is an Universal Power that exists in any form. And even if it does exist, is it any use except for me holding on tight to the thought of that Universal Power to “save” me when “an earthquake hits the city” or “there is a blackout inside the Metro” or “please save” my grandfather from dying of a cardiac arrest? I don’t think of that Universal Power when I go out clubbing or get drunk or kiss a guy. I don’t know what is the exact function of the Universal Power, if it exists. But the concept of Universal Power helps the lesser mortal in me to cling on to false hopes.

As I said, I have created a safe buffer zone, wherein my practicality and desperate foolery don’t clash.

P.s. : I feel humiliated when even some of my “cool” friends say they feel peace and calm and connected to “God” when they visit religious places. I have rarely felt so. I admire the architecture, the big gardens in temple arenas, the hustle-bustle of people and the devotion they have, but I don’t feel connected to anything. I could be inside the main lair of a sacred temple, facing the most “divine” God, and still be thinking of Butter Chicken and Soda.

P.p.s: Some other day I might rant on whether heaven and hell exist. Is the theory of Karma for real? What is the definition of Sins? Mysterious shit.

To Change or Not to Change.

Tonight I did not sleep well. I had crazy weird dreams. And now am up at 3:04 am jotting down my haphazard thoughts in a frenzy. I have an uncanny feeling that this blogging world is going to alter my life and thinking in ways I never imagined.

When I was in the seventh grade I won a quiz competition on the life and works of Mahatma Gandhi. You know how that happened? Not because Gandhi inspired me in any way, but because I had read up every single history text book that I could lay my hands on. And being the winner I was awarded with a book. Surprisingly I still remember that book’s name “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale (I Googled the author).

Now I was one restless, full of energy kid since school days. I looked at the book with its pale yellow and green cover and thought to myself, “What a waste. Is this even a gift? A pencil set or a pencil box would’ve been so much better“. That was the FIRST “motivational” book I ever received as a present or otherwise and I NEVER even opened the book. As I grew up, entered my teen years and my parents and guardians thought I could use some direction and motivation and inspiration in life, my birthday gifts would include a book on inspiration/motivation/how to lead a life with values and principles/how to be happy. And trust me, I- who was such a book worm, never even opened ANY of these books. I used to get this boring, suffocating feeling on looking at these books, with smiling author faces printed on them(like they were Jesus themselves huh! And does Jesus even exist? Well), which had to preach and give me a direction on “how to be something“. I did not want that! I was pretty much content and happy the way that I was.

Long story cut short, never in  my lifetime of reading books did I lay my hands on inspirational quotations and books stuff. I can feel bile rising upto my throat even as I write about it here (maybe that’s from overeating in dinner). I hate the idea of an inanimate object, written for a billion people across the world- who are different than I am- teaching me how to go about living my life.

And then this blogging bug bit me. Alright. I like, appreciate and abide by all the humor rules. I learnt it the hard way- the best way to conceal or get over your woes is to laugh them off. You can’t sit and weep the entire day for something that is already lost or is irreparably damaged. But in the past few days, I have come across blogs of such ordinary people facing ordinary problems. They are people my age, my caliber (or better), and are really regular/good looking on top of that!. (Why do you have to be old and Jesus-looking types to convince people of the wisdom you can impart!) They could be bratty or gentle, shy or outspoken, but they have such major kickass motivation and inspiration to provide!

I visited R.G. Tamaki’s blog the other day and his rant on “Roasting your weaknesses” made me realize that if I don’t work towards achieving something that I really want today, I am going to regret it so bad later. It’s gonna come back to haunt me later. And he is a normal, above average looking person. Again. No cross on his shoulders. No crown of thorns. But that article did flicker some flame in me.

I visited another blog by Nakul Arora, and woah! Someone with that kind of non-corrupt selfless service attitude at my age, is absolutely stunning and inspiring. Isn’t it amazing that someone my age already understands the grave problems of this hapless world, is seeking answers to the unanswered questions and he is not some saffron saint. He is just another guy with a respectable engineering degree but with the mind and soul of a Revolutionary. I have lost all the touch with my social justice side. I have immersed myself in a carefree, full-of-laughter lifestyle, and turned a blind eye to the wretched poverty of all the nations. India is no doubt a developing country and we have our own woes, but the poverty of hearts and minds that is prevalent across all nations, developed and underdeveloped alike, will we get over it?

There must be many such inspirational people out there, and am not good at digesting inspiration pills. I find them unnecessary and annoying. But is something changing? I don’t have the answers. I am not even working towards getting these answers. Maybe I shall sit under a cactus bush and try to achieve enlightenment like Buddha. I shall be called Laughing Buddha then (what?? Lol). Tonight it’s been almost 30 minutes that I have been typing and I guess that’s the best I can do right now.

They say even the tiniest of a good deed can bring about a change. The question that did not let me sleep tonight was, “Do I even want to bring about a change?”

P.s. : I had such a smooth ride inserting links today. Ama pro now boss!